for Jack (Sunday)

[sortofaman]

The skies could have been dark or sunlit, the truth was that the Doctor didn't know either way and didn't care. He was looking for Jack; he was looking for Jack because he hadn't seen him, didn't know if he knew, and he didn't really know if Jack would care.

But he needed to know either way. Because part of it Rob understood and part of it Jack would understand, and the two didn't quite mix together. And Rob was busy feeding Nate, and he had a moment or two to breathe if his chest would allow it.

That was all right. As long as he could find Jack, stepping through the snow, his own figure a lost man in a dark coat swirling just against the surface.

Comments

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"You breathe in and out, sleep and wake up, do what you do every day, and you fake it until you're okay again," Jack said softly. "Take care of your husband and Nate. Talk about it if you want. Get drunk if you don't. And you just keep going, Doctor. You don't have any choice."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Oh, I know. Funny," the Doctor said, "it's a lot easier to do it than it is to think about doing it. Stupid therapy texts talking about visualisation rubbish." He rested his forehead against Jack's shoulder.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"I didn't get that from a book. I got it from being here. I got it from trial and error, Doctor," he replied, his fingers working into the man's unruly hair. "Stop thinking."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Harder than you'd imagine," retorted the Doctor, "for someone used to thinking everything through on multiple levels." He let out a long sigh and cleared his throat before easing back a little.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack snorted and when the Doctor pulled away he was greeted with a tender smile. "I know how hard it is to stop thinking. I generally need...help."

Booze, pot, sex, a fight, or time off on his own to rage at the universe and then pull himself back together was Jack's typical way. He'd found that he was doing any and all of them less and less. He wasn't sure why; he knew nothing had gotten easier. Maybe he'd just grown up a little. Maybe he'd let go a bit. It wasn't likely, but when John vanished from his arms, something had definitely changed.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

The Doctor was well aware of Jack's coping skills. "I know," he said. "But there's Nate to take care of." Nate to take care of, Rob to sort out, Will to reassure...

He should never have slagged being domestic; it came with a pile of responsibilities and difficulties.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"You don't have to do it alone," Jack pointed out. "I can take him Thursdays. You've got Tosh and Ianto. Rob will be okay, I'm sure. Didn't the two of you talk about having a baby a while ago?"

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"I'm not all that worried about that, it's just a change," the Doctor said. "Though maybe I should be worried, I don't know. And yeah, we did, just...we didn't expect...didn't think we were ready for that business."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Biggest adventure of your life," he said. "And you used to thrive on change, Doctor. This will just have less running and explosions." He paused, then flashed a smile bright as a supernova. "Hopefully."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"The running and explosions were the best bit," the Doctor noted, giving Jack a slow smirk. Not quite up to full power, mind, just low wattage. It wasn't true, but it was a start to a comeback, anyway.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"He's a little young for it, but if you want to teach him about Nitro Nine, I think I've got a couple of Ace's cans around here," he offered, pleased to see at least that much of an improvement.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

The Doctor actually managed to laugh, briefly. "I'll keep that in mind. Rob would probably kill me, though, if the experimental usage of Ace's Nitro didn't kill me first."

Chase when angry about the Doctor doing something stupid? Fairly terrifying.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"True. I'll just hang onto it for the next time we have a squid attack or the dinosaurs get out," Jack said. "How's Rob taking all this?"

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Like when the others have gone," the Doctor said, trying not to panic at the idea of protecting Nate from dinosaurs. "Certain I'll be next, or House, or someone else he cares about, not sure how we can all live like this."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Logan just told me on Christmas that he figured he'd be the next one I lost. Good thing we didn't make a bet on it. He'd be my bitch for another day, and this time I would make him run," Jack said, almost sedate as he spoke about the most unsettling things that normally took his legs out from beneath him.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Happy Christmas, let's be morbid?" The Doctor looked somewhat less than impressed. "I don't even want to know. You always do end up with the most positive people, Cap'n."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"He was trying to convince me that there's such a thing as fate. And destiny." Jack ducked his chin and licked his lips, debating what more to say. "It wasn't that morbid. Just proving a point. Maybe he's right. I haven't decided."

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"Maybe there is, but if so, what the hell do we think we can do about it?" the Doctor pointed out. "Free will or not, you live your life. At the least we think we're thinking independently. Knowing better doesn't do anything but make you never do anything at all."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

Jack simply shrugged. "He thinks there's got to be a reason for things. He's got faith in something...bigger than himself." He gave the Doctor a pointed look, the man before him being a point of reference for understanding Logan's thoughts. Jack had faith in so few things in the universe, but the things and people he believed in, he believed in with the whole of his being.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

The Doctor gave Jack a bit of a look in reply. Being human meant he was even more uncomfortable with being anyone's touchstone, anyone's god, or point of reference. "So do I, but that doesn't mean there's always a reason on a definitive level. Merely players who go in and out at turns, Jack."

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"Are you calling me a player?" he quipped, a teasing twist to his grin that didn't quite gel with the light in his eyes. He was perfectly aware of what the Doctor thought and felt about the adherence Jack felt, but he couldn't, and wouldn't, change. He never doubted the Doctor, and he never would.

[sortofaman.livejournal.com]

"If you are, so am I," the Doctor replied, looking back at him and resting his forehead against his. "So there."

He felt better, Sort of.

[captainjack.livejournal.com]

"So there," Jack replied gently, his hand coming to rest on the Doctor's shoulder. The man had told him once that he couldn't be everything to everyone. Maybe he was right and maybe he wasn't, but Jack could be this for him right now. A stone in the ocean, or something like that.